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Bonding With Your Partner - Without Candles, Wine Or Lingerie!
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D., Fri Dec 9th
Summary: Many partners attempt to bond with candles, wine orlingerie, only to find their time together feeling flat, emptyand passionless. In this article, discover what really createsbonding, intimacy and passion with your partner. A journalist interviewed me regarding intimacy inrelationships. One of her questions was, "What are some of theeasy ways in which husband and wife can bond - without candlesand wine and expensive lingerie?" Easy ways? Well, it depends on what you mean by easy!
Bonding has nothing to do with candles, wine and expensivelingerie. It has to do with INTENT. In any given moment we arein one of two possible intents: The intent to have control over getting love and avoiding pain The intent to learn about being loving to ourselves and to others Virtually all of us have learned many ways of trying to havecontrol over getting love and avoiding pain. We learned theseprotective behaviors when we were children, and as adults weunconsciously continue these learned controlling behaviors, suchas anger, criticism, withdrawal, resistance, or compliance. Formost people, these protective, controlling behaviors have becomeautomatic and habitual. As soon as any fear is triggered, weautomatically protect against the fear by arguing, blaming,attacking, judging, shutting down, resisting, or giving in. Inrelationships, the fears of rejection and engulfment - of losingthe other or losing ourselves - generally underlie ourprotective behavior. In a relationship, if one or both partners are closed,protected, controlling, then they cannot emotionally connectwith each other. No matter how much time they spend togetherwith candles, wine or expensive lingerie, the connection willnot be there when one or both are closed and protected.Ironically, when the intent is to get love or avoid pain, whatwe create is a lack of love and much pain. Our intent to controlbrings about the very things we are trying to avoid with ourcontrolling behavior. Our
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